I’m writing this article–as my annual “writing a birthday post ritual” (here are previous year’s entries: 31, 32, 33, 34)–on my 35th birthday with a sublime feeling that I might be at the halfway point in my life (by considering life expectancy). It feels quite incredible that I remember writing a version of this article on my 31st birthday during the Covid pandemic. And here I am, entering the second half of my thirties, reflecting on what I’ve learned during this past year.
Recently I was thinking a lot about the lyrics of the song “Anthem” by the late poet and musician Leonard Cohen where he sings: “Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. It’s where the light gets in.”
This perfectly sums up the last year for me. A whole year of fighting against the cracks of my imperfection. Just when I thought that I had built a strong foundation to launch my career, I found out there are lots of cracks underlying the surface. Anxiety, stress, trapped emotions, vulnerability, uncertainty and much more. I tried many things to deal with this: first denial, then avoidance, at last fighting against these cracks by finding a perfect one time solution. Nothing works. Because I was missing the whole point of having those cracks.
Although these imperfections create lots of agony but at the same time a chance to grow beyond my current limits. I realised the fact that nothing is perfect and there is a crack in everything. These cracks are here for a reason–to bring the light in. I realised that waiting for the perfect response or one time solution is nothing but naivete. I realised that my biggest flaw is not taking the responsibility to do what seems like a simple task in front of my face . The only way out is through. And here is a way to go: first accept it, then face it, at last get comfortable in living with all these imperfections. So here are few thoughts and reflections I had on the way:
… There’s one caveat about life worth keeping in mind: there’s no escaping the suffering. We’re born, we die, and figuring out the in between can be harsh. As Hemingway reminds us, “the world breaks everyone.”
… Yet so many of us try to avoid the suffering as much as we can. We keep on trying to unlock some kind of “secret” that can give us everything we want without any unwanted consequences. Ironically, the attempt to avoid the suffering often creates more of it. As Carl Jung said, “If we don’t accept our own destiny, a different kind of suffering takes its place: a neurosis develops, and I believe that the life which we have to live is not as bad as a neurosis. If I have to suffer, then let it be from my reality.”
… We try to bypass the basic requirements of regular life in order to reach some kind of intense satisfactory state which ultimately pushes us towards deeper dissatisfaction. As the psychologist John Welwood said about the term he coined as “spiritual bypassing”: “[It’s] a widespread tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
… We need balance. Balancing the acceptance of our imperfection with the responsibility of becoming more by using the light that gets in through those cracks. Otherwise, we become unstable, top-heavy, our roots too shallow to ground us and to face big storms. As the philosopher Nisargadatta summed up the dilemma well: “Love tells me I am everything. Wisdom tells me I am nothing. And between these two banks, flows the river of my life.”
… Every now and then we will get the glimpse above the clouds but it doesn’t mean that we try to avoid the essential work to be done on the ground.
… We discover what’s possible because of our imperfections. The Japanese get this same idea with the concept of wabi sabi–or the ability to find beauty in imperfection. If a vase is accidentally broken, for example, they don’t throw the pieces away or try to patch it up to hide the accident. Instead, they take golden glue and painstakingly reassemble the vessel, so its unique flaws make the piece more beautiful.
… Embracing our weaknesses and vulnerabilities are not easy but necessary to explore the infinite light it possesses within that can make us more brave and remarkable.
… Anxiety is a brief period of confusion between the space of possible and impossible, a determined self and a self with an urge to quit. Is this confusion easy to bear? Not at all. But is it worth it? Absolutely. It gives us the chance to decide between the easy road and the hard one. We stumble and cease to move forward if we keep postponing this critical decision. The only antidote to anxiety is to decide and act. We should not wait for the perfect solution. We just need to get to the next action towards possibility and a fully willed self.
… Every moment is a choice to vote for either doubt or confidence. Self confidence needs evidence. Self Doubt builds on itself. We need to work hard to become self confident. But all we need to doubt ourselves is to choose to do nothing.
… Do not let life oppress you all at once. Do not dwell on the troubles which may have occurred in the past or may occur in the future. Just ask yourself in each moment: ‘What Can I do right now in this given situation?’ and do it. Real power lies in an ability to act. Nourish personal agency through doing little but necessary tasks everyday. Here is an exercise you can do right now: List down “100 Acts of Personal Agency” you can start doing right now. It might be cleaning your desk or arranging your wardrobe or anything small that can boost your agency. Once you start doing this, you will find out that it is neither the worry of the future nor the guilt of the past which weighs on you, but always the inaction of the present.
… Getting distracted is as potent a disease for the mind as cancer is for the body. We avoid the discomfort of feeling empty and meaningless inside through distracting ourselves with pleasures and entertainment.
… The ultimate skill of the 21st century is to hold two opposite ends in mind without losing the ability to act in the present and without urging for mental closure or picking one over another.
… If you don’t want to do something, you can create a thousand excuses. But to do that, you need just one reason.
… Constantly ruminating about what can go wrong or churning over negative thoughts is the most unprofitable use of time. It feels like decades of work in a day but adds no value at all.
… No matter how many times you quit or break promises or abandon your resolutions in the past, you need to keep resolving to get better. As Samuel Johnson wrote in his diary: “When I look back on resolutions of improvement and amendment which have year after year been made and broken, either by negligence, forgetfulness, vicious idleness, casual interruption, or morbid infirmity, when I find that so much of my life has stolen unprofitably away, and that I can descry by retrospection scarcely a few single days properly and vigorously employed, why do I yet try to resolve again? I try because reformation is necessary and despair is criminal. I try, in the humble hope of the help of God.” Simply love this line: Reformation is necessary and despair is criminal.
… At the start of the day, when you feel anxious about the future or reluctant to get up due to having too much to deal with, here are the few reminders you constantly need: 1. You only need to cross the bridge when you reach it. 2. One who suffers before it is necessary, suffers more than is necessary. 3. Choose not to be harmed by the impressions you are coloring the situation with.
… Defying uncertainty during tough times is like defying gravity.
… Heroism hinges on last minute lucky breakthroughs, divine interventions and happy endings. Courage has no such luxury. It demands hard work, ruthless planning and openness to explore what the next stage of the game can offer.
… You can yearn to seek retreats in the hills and beautiful sceneries but at last, you will find out that you cannot outrun your problems and suffering. The best way to renew yourself is to get satisfied by sitting with yourself alone.
… Having information about something doesn’t mean that you have experienced it.
… During the busyness and rut of life, think about this quote from Amy Haines: “Life had gotten too busy. It seemed as if my existence had become just one long to-do list. I had forgotten about my dreams, my goals, my what-ifs, my “what if I could’s.”
… Ask yourself: “If you don’t have time because you’re working on a lot of things, then why aren’t things working out a lot of the time?”
… Writing in notebooks and taking long walks are probably two most productive ways to deal with anxiety and stress of life.
… Consistency in action must be our last concern. First and foremost concern should be finding out the right action aligned with our desires (what we want) and beliefs (Why we want it).
… There is no better way to get calmer in life than keep reminding yourself about your death.
Anyway, here I am 35 and still making terms with the mess of my life.
